True Rewards

As i struggled through this journey
between the shadow and the light
all emotionally overloaded
and still persisting on a fight
once sucumbing to my chaos
i reached my hand out for a lover
one who was indeed attracted
yet on this occasion i wasnt her druthers
secondly i reached out my hand
in the name of pure lonliness
to another whose lust ran high
and was sure that i'd be her best
altho for some unknown reason
she still listened to my plot
and yet somehow she managed
to decline me while still hot
third time i did reach out my hand
in the name of deperation
to a willing one she said
primed and filled up with elation
wheb the moment was upon us
as make-out time began
clear visions of another couple
through my mind constantly ran
strike three befell and now what
should i yield or persevere
am i but loseing time and again
or do i win - i was unclear
but after further consideration
brought me to this conclusion
i win because i remain intact
in the midst of much confusion
not feeding into my lustful calls
by a power thats more than mine
and even tho i fought it
it;ll all just happen in due time.

Circle of Life

Some will die...
I know that words could never repair the damage of my actions
I can only hope that time will prove to you my regret
I pray that God enables me to forgive myself.
And one day that will extend to you.
I thank God for the experience; although painful, it has taught me what nothing else has been able to.
Through my hurt I have found a clarity.
A new perspective you could say.
Funny how things turn out.
You have to lose someone to realize how much you love them.
Sometimes.
All in all this is a turning point in my life.
I will never be the same...
From these ashes, I am re-born into the world anew
That others may live...

Oh well...

She coming over soon
at least that's what she's told me
It's been the story for a week now
And still she's yet to hold me

But i keep holding on despite what's really real
Guess I'm just committed to beliveing what I feel

which is subscribing to a fantasy
or living in a dream
hoping one day real soon
that life wont be what it seems

I'm trying to slow down this beating of my heart
because it doesn't understand how to tell the two apart

and then my phone rings
and its her apologizing
i tell her its ok but
my hurt's not minimizing

i crack a smile and then i shed a tear behind my laughter
to masks the utter anguish of my relationship in disaster

holding on to the belief
that things maybe someday change
but today i walk with God
though its good, its still kinda strange

oh well...

First Post

Drum beats in the distance
Soothing and amusing
Where do they come from?
I can’t tell and it gets confusing
Maybe its from the east
Now it sounds like it’s the west
Sometimes it comes from everywhere
Synched with the pounding in my chest

I’d often ignore it
Proceeding with my other business
Sometimes it got so loud that
I’d ask if other folks could hear it
But much to my surprise
I alone could hear the noise
So tune it out I often did
Until I no longer had that choice

The sounds grew louder
And more often did it come
Sounding now more like thunder
And less like a simple drum
Deafening it has become
Constantly increasing
In volume and in frequency
And rarely is it ceasing

All I know and all I do
Is affected by this lone distraction
Now the storm has arrived
And I’m paralyzed into inaction

Helplessly I stand, overwhelmed
By chaos and confusion
Focusing my thoughts is a long and lost illusion.

How to stop it, what to do, where to go, I haven’t a clue
I shouldn’t have let it get so near
I blew my chance, always did I hear
It growing and approaching
Yet I never cried for help
I knew I could handle it
Now all my fears and pleas
Are reduced to an inaudible whisper
Screamed out with the full capacity of a voice
Drowned out by a silent storm raging
And churning and consuming
Me.

Where am I?
What is going on? What happened?
Stay still. Keep smiling. Say everything’s ok.
Never let them see you sweat.
I need help so badly – but I don’t want anyone to know how much.
God can you hear me? Are you back yet? I’m leaving a message – please call me back.
My number is… ummmm…
I don’t know what the number is here – I’ll call you back when I get a chance.
Thank you.
Oh yeah
This is your son.
Talk to you soon.

The Intro

My journey has been typical
Ups and downs, then downs and ups
but i'm holding on to my clean date
hell or high water - no matter what
i choose to use the tools of rhyme
to express the way i'm feeling
and thinking, when i'm thinking and not just acting and suffering consequences that leave me reeling
oft times my words are of such a type
that are controversial in nature
not that i'm offensive, or judgemental, or a negative being
it's just that intense feelings are poured out from my pen onto my paper
i don't expect everyone to agree with everything that i post upon this site
but i hope that someone, somewhere can relate to me, find relief in knowing they're not alone - and that a fellow addict has found the light.

Just for today i haven't found the necessity to put any drugs into my body for a few years and if a crzy addict like me can do it then anybody can.